Spiritual Form Journals 2 :)

Sunday, October 9^th, 2011

Sometimes, the world makes my heart hurt.  Sometimes it seems like everywhere around people are hurting and starving and dying (spiritually and physically).  It is hard to watch.  It is especially hard to watch when it is your friend.

It is hard to watch someone you love hurt, especially when you can offer little comfort.  For example, when someone gets pregnant outside of marriage, it is hard to say OH! I am excited for you!  (Because you really are) but still not condone the sin.  It is hard to show love to the person without showing support of the sin sometimes.  It is also hard to know how to bring God into the conversation sometimes, because He is judging your sin, but He has this great mercy that cancels out the sin.  So, do you say anything about the judgment?  Or do you just repeat the mercy and love line over and over?  Sometimes being a friend to Christians seems more complicated than being a friend to non-Christians.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

How do you love someone who does not deserve nor want love?  How can you give what does not want to receive?  How does God do this for us?

Where do you draw the line on disliking someone?  If God really says that we should forgive someone 70X7, then that is what we should do.  BUT, what if everyone around you doesn’t like her either?  What if she really does feel all alone but won’t admit it?  How do you make her realize that you will be her friend and love her if she will let you?  But then, how much do you love her if she is mistreating your friends badly.. and you cannot get away?  What does God say about this?

1 Corinthians 13:13- Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.  

1 John 3:16- We know what real love is because Jesus gave up His life for us.  So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. 

John 13:34- So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other.  Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.  Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples. 

Matthew 5:39-42- But I say, do no resist an evil person!  If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also.  If you are sued in court and your shirt is taken from you, give your coat too.  If a soldier demands that you carry his gear for a mile, carry it two miles.  Give to those who ask, and don’t turn away from those who want to borrow.

Matthew 5:43-38—You have heard the law that says, Love your neighbor, and hate your enemy.  But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!  In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven.  For He gives His sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike.  If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much.  If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else?  Even pagans do that.  But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in Heaven is perfect. 

Ah, I guess I should love herJ  Sometimes, I tend to think I am lots better at showing love than I really am.  Even if I am showing it outwardly, I do not do so good in my heart.  That was definitely a wake up call.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

I am back from New York City!  I went with @HannahDine on our first grown up adventure ever.  It was a great time of fellowship and giggling with her.. I need to remember to thank God daily for good friends.  Or, probably I should thank Him more than just once daily.

This trip was good for a lot of reasons.  I have always been fairly independent, but this trip showed me (and Han!) that we can do things on our own... without our family.  It also showed me how much I truly need to rely on God.  I was not too nervous about anything in the trip except for meeting and living with Hannah’s cousins for a few days.  They are a couple who is not Christian, and I wanted to do my best to be a witness to them.

I didn’t do a good job!  Not at all.  I prayed during the day and right before we walked into the apartment every time, and I still did not feel like I was a witness.  I just wanted to show them love… but I honestly did not know how!  It was so so so hard to feel like I wasn’t being Christ-like.. but I didn’t know how to become involved in their lives enough to show them His love.  I didn’t even smile as much as usual L 

Also, I feel like I love New York City because I am just an individual there... not part of a community.  Then, I feel like I do not like New York City because I am just individual, not part of a community.  I think that was part of connecting with Tommy and Jo, they are very much more individual than anyone in Kansas is.  But, it is nice sometimes to just get lost.  It makes me feel like a lazy Christian a little.  Because I knew that I would never see those people again, I didn’t have to go out of my way to be nice or friendly or make a Christ-like impression on their life.  I didn’t HAVE too.. but I SHOULD have.  I need to try harder to be people’s friends sometimes.. because maybe who will show them love if I don’t?  (Well, I’m sure that someone would, but I feel like God has called me to do that as a Christian.)

Sunday, October 23. 2011

I love coming back to school after a break.  I feel like that is how heaven will be, everyone relaxed and joyful and rejuvenated and loving on everybody.  I wish it was like that always! 

I need to work on becoming more joyful.  Lately I run around like a chicken with head cut off, and it is hard to find joy without my head on.  I am going to try to be better… I definitely need to find time.. even if it is just a little, to just rest in God.  So.. I decided to find some verses to remind me of that.  Scripture is most definitely the best help J

Psalm 34:14- Turn away from evil and do good.  Search for peace, and work to maintain it.

John 15:27- I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart.  And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give.  So don’t be troubled or afraid.

Philippians 4:6-7- Don’t worry about anything: instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank him for all He has done.  Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. 

Colossians 3:15- And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts.  For as members of one body you care called to live in peace.  And always be thankful.

I love to just look up Scripture when I journal.  It is the only time I feel like I truly meditate on God’s word in a themed way.  It makes me realize that I should probably do it more often.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Today I simplified.  At the beginning of the year, I simplified my closet LOTS.. but I was going through it the other day.. and it is just disgusting.  It needed to be done!  I definitely feel much better now.  I have too much, and I just feel so much free-er and full without it.  It really is better to give than to receiveJ

I love that Omar is here.  I feel like him and Gabriel are just family, and they know me more emotionally “intimately” than so many other people.  I have always asked God for big brothers, and He gave them too me.. and I didn’t even notice!  I wonder how many other things I have asked for, that God has blessed me with and I haven’t even thanked Him for.  He is so so good.. and He really gives us the desires of our heart.  That is what Han reminds me of sometimes when we talk about our husbands and the future.  She challenges me very much in my walk, God has truly blessed me with her as a roommate.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Today, I ran 13 miles with my @JessAnne30.  It was… FUN.  There is something so exhilarating about pushing yourself to the limit, and running is my extra God-connect time.  Why wouldn’t I want to run for 2 hours and 15 minutes?  I’d do it again! 

The race taught me so much about community.  Not just the Run for Missions idea, small town people coming together to run to support our faith, but a community of runners.  At the end of the race, people from all over southwest Kansas that stay connected on dailymile.com took a picture.  These were people that held each other accountable and encouraged each other to run or exercise daily. 

It reminded me of Hebrews 12:1-3, when Paul says,

“Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!”

In that picture, there were old and new runners, slow and fast runners, girl and boy runners, and long and short distance runners.  BUT, we were all running for the same purpose.  We all glorified God through that day’s races, pushing our bodies to the utmost extent.  And WE DIDN’T GIVE UP.  We encouraged each other.  We ran in community together.  It made me wonder how much better the world would be if Christians were like that community of runners.  That is something to strive for.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011 

Today was my day to do the choir devotional.  I was so nervous.  I hate speaking in front of people, especially when I am supposed to share “wisdom” with them.  But, I have been going through the book of Job, and I couldn’t help but share all of these wonderful realizations that I have had with them.

First of all, I didn’t realize how much Job had lost.  I knew everything, but I didn’t know it was everything in one day, in like, the same hour.  I cannot imagine.  He had to have great faith to not go into complete numbing shock right then!

Also, it was crazy, but sometimes I pride myself on listening to people (which I shouldn’t…ever), but the week I was studying Job I was being the worst listener.  I was selfish in trying to make the conversation all about myself or my wisdom.  In the footnotes of my NLT study Bible however, it talked about Job’s “wise” friends.  Of course they did many things wrong (don’t we all! :P) but at the beginning of the visit they saw that Job’s suffering was “too great for words” and they simply sat with him.  A quote from the footnotes “Pat answers and trite quotations say much less than empathetic silence and quiet companionship.”  #boomroasted.  God was telling me to shut up!  So I did, or I tried very hard to at least.   I prayed lots about it. 

Then, the craziest thing happened.  As soon as the Lord had showed me that, He also brought me lots of practice.  Suddenly there were so many people that wanted to talk, about BIG things, deep things, and they just needed someone to listen.  It was a true test, and it gave my heart joy to be able to let Jesus work through me in silence and a listening ear.

Also, another quote from the footnotes was “Life is not merely given for happiness or personal fulfillment but for us to serve and honor God.  The worth and meaning of life is not based on what we feel but on the one reality no one can take away—God’s love for us.”  Wow. So many many many many many times I have based my life on my feelings that day.  Am I tired? Okay.  Upset? Okay.  Happy? Good deal.  Then, I measure the worth of that day by how I reacted in those feelings.  BUT, that is not right.  The worth is not about me.  I am not anything worthy.  The worth is in God’s love and that only.  God is the worthy one, the one who gives me life.  I needed to learn that.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

I met my first drunk person this weekend, or rather, a whole group of drunk people.  I went to the OSU – K-State game with Linds and Nate, and we sat in the student section.  I stood on the end of the group, and there was a group of about 10 hicks on the other side of me… schwasted.  It was a lot better than I expected… or at least, not as bad.

I think I am becoming more deadened to alcohol.  (That sounds really bad, I’ll explain! Haha.)  I used to freak out inside if someone was drinking, I was sure that they were going to hell.  I was so fearful of them and for them. Now though, I don’t know if its maturity, or understanding, or what, but it just doesn’t bother me like it used to.  I don’t think that being drunk is right, but it doesn’t make me sick to my stomach either.  I don’t know if that is a good or bad thing.  I don’t want to become deadened to sin, but lots of Christians drink, so I don’t know how to feel.  I don’t think its necessarily a sin, but I don’t support it.  Its so confusing.

Also, its weird how college can change a person.  One of the guys from Hugoton in the grade below me goes to OSU, and even though he never would have talked to us in high school, he called us out at the game.  College is humbling… I like that. :)

Lastly, God answered prayer.  Nate and Linds are SO SO SO SO SO SO good!! They love each other lots, and they seem like the happiest.  God is good :)     

Thursday, November 10, 2011

I cannot believe its already November.. that its already the tenth of November!  I do not understand how everything happened so fast.  It is getting harder and harder to imagine next year.. but it is something I will have to do way too soon.  I do not know if I journaled about this already, but I remember one of our chapel speakers speaking about how while we are waiting, we need to be active.  Hannah does a good job of that, she is so good for me!  She has applied to places and is praying about them.  I am praying.. but applying would be good, I think it would make me a more “active” waiter.  I do not know anything.  I am so confused.  PLUS, it costs monies to apply, and I do not really like to spend that much unless I think I maybe will go there.  My mind is tricked. 

On a lighter note, I went to Pratt with Bobbi yesterday and we had a good small group bonding time.  It is weird because her and Katelyn are leaving at semester, and our group will be different.  #istillhateit.  BUT, I dunno.  I just have to make the most of the time that’s left.  Which it seems like that’s how it is with everything.  I dunno I dunno.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

 This weekend I went home, because my sister was in a musical.  She was so good!! She uses the talents God has given her very well J

Also, this weekend was maybe one of the hardest ones ever.  My family has taken in four little boys, and they are not bad kids, just not disciplined.  On Saturday night Zack, Nathan, and I (yes, it takes three of us!) babysat so my parents could go to the play.  I was not a good babysitter.  The three year old would NOT sleep, and the rest were going nuts.  Thank goodness Wacko and Natey were there, or nothing every would’ve gotten done!  It breaks my heart to know that those boys have nobody that has ever cared for them, tucked them in, played with them.  Now they have us, but they’re living conditions are still very inconsistent.  BUT, my brothers make me very proud.  They will be great dads someday.

Actually, I feel like helping those boys has brought our whole family together.  Kate does more to help and is less selfish, the boys are more mature and kind, and my parents see their relationship as more of a team and not competitors with each other.  I love to be home.

Also, my cousin asked me to hang out with him and his friends this weekend, and that was a huge compliment J But I got a speeding ticket on the way home. My first. L And Omar got mad at me because my phone never ever ever works and he almost missed his ride.  Ugh.

BUT, I had a very good cry on the way back.  I am not really sure exactly why I was crying.  I didn’t want to leave, I felt needed, I didn’t get enough time to bond with my family, I wanted to be home but I wanted to go back.  I was so torn.  It is hard to love two places so equally.  My heart is in a constant battle.  It is hard.

Friday, November 18, 2011

This week has been a Confessions week!  I seriously feel like I have spent every spare moment reading that book.  Literally.  I like it lots, I have learned a lot, but I am glad that this paper is turned in!  It is crazy that it is finally due, it means the end of the semester is almost here!

That paper made me feel like a legit college student.  I stayed up late and quoted things I had underlined in the book, I just felt cool!  It is hard sometimes here to feel legit, but this semester I have definitely been challenged, and I like that.

On Wednesday, I found out that I only have one class to take to graduate with my Associates.  Two reactions.  Number one, I am stinking upset because no matter what I am going to have to pay more money for just one class that I could’ve taken this semester.  Number two, I am nervous and scared because now I don’t know if I should come back.  It is a lot of money for just one class, and there is not really anything else that I need/want to take.  BUT, I do NOT want to leave Barclay at semester.  That’s so scary.  I think I would love to be home, and that my family needs me here, but I would not have real friends like I have at school.  I do not know what to choose.  I just want to cry every time I think about it, and it is something that I can only talk to my parents about limitedly because they are busy and they just want me to come home and save money.  I have prayed, but I need to seek God’s will on it much more.  It is scary to have to make real big decisions by yourself.  I do not like it at all.  I don’t know what to do.  It is hard to choose between the easy choice of staying at school and being comfortable and living out the plan of May graduation, or going home and being challenged and risk being called a loser, and risk never leaving.  Ugh.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I am home J My sister’s birthday was yesterday and I didn’t get her anything.  Not because I feel like she doesn’t deserve it or anything like that, but just because I seriously have been challenged so much to be more simplistic.  I will make her card or something, but I just don’t think she needs anything, I can’t think of anything to get her that will not just eventually lie around doing nothing.  I feel terrible because I love to give, but there is honestly nothing.

 Also, last night I was talking to Clara, and we talked about Romans 12:1-2 in the Message.  It is crazy that we read that in Spiritual form today, because that verse, in the Message version, is my life verse. 

“So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.”

I said some things to help her too, and she told me thank you, and that God had a way of using my words.  That is so weird to me, because I hate to talk.  I love to listen and be with people, but I have always never been good at talking or putting my words into thoughts.  BUT, maybe God is changing that.. I have noticed that a little this year.  At first I didn’t know if it was maturity or straight-up God, and it is probably both, but mostly God I think J It is crazy that He can work through me in that way… where I have so little talent.  He is good and perfect, and He blesses me daily. 

Prayers that havne’t been prayed.

    

Thursday, August 25, 2011

            Today is the first day I’ve been able to sit down and actually write anything.  Being on Stuco makes life with noobs so much busier!  I am worried for this year.  It is hard to trust God in that maybe my husband will be here, and in that maybe I am not grown up enough to be a sophomore in college.  This summer was hard.  Going back home after you haven’t lived there is awkward, you feel very out of place!  I am worried that maybe some of the disconnectedness will carry over to this year.  Basically, I am just very worried!  :P  During our family vacation I discovered Psalm 16, and there are a few verses that really apply to my life always, and that I always find very much encouraging.  Today, Psalm 16:8 is especially challenging: “I know the Lord is always with me.  I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.”  He IS always right there!  I should not be rooted in the happenings of the world  (new people, new happenings, new roles, being away from family) around me, but I SHOULD be rooted in Him, because in Him I will NOT be shaken, for He is ALWAYS right beside me.  He doesn’t change J

Monday, August 29, 2011

            Retreat is overrrrr.  It is kind of bittersweet.  Sweet because I maybe found my husband!  Bitter because I am probs the worst small group leader.  Sweet because things are no longer awkward with me and Kaelin!  Bitter because I can already tell that my year’s schedule is gonna be crazyyyy.  It is hard to trust God with husbands.  Maybe because what we are always taught is to seek out a boy, to be attracted to someone.  We We WE.  Not God, but US.  So, I maybe found a boy that has a lot of good qualities that maybe I like, but I have to trust God to give me what He knows is best.  Maybe this boy isn’t best, but maybe he is too.  So so hard to trust!

            Also, maybe I learned even more that I am the worst at being in charge of things.  I feel like God has really gifted me at being a good second-in-command, a good skill for a wife or an assistant.  BUT, I also very much felt that He was calling me to be a small group leader, and now that I am I very much wish I was not.  IT will maybe help me learn to be stronger in my faith, but right now I just feel the most INADEQUATE.  So inadequate.  But hey, with God all things are possible, right?:)

            Kaelin and I are friends again!  That was an area of consistent prayer over the summer, and God is so so so so good.. of course! We even fist-pounded J

Friday, September 2, 2011

            Today I head home for Linds’ wedding!  I am putting so much of this weekend in God’s hands.  I am worried (of course)

List of Worries:

1. Will Hannah, Em, and Chel get along?

2. Will it be awkward for everyone to stay at my house?

3. Will I be able to relate to and actively show Christ to all of these hometown people?

4. Will I be able to help my Barclay friends get to know my out of town friends?

5. Will everyone feel accepted?

6. Will I be able to be a bridesmaid? What does a bridesmaid do?

7. Will I have enough time to spend with my family, too?

And.. most importantly.. WHY IS MY BEST FRIEND MARRYING AN IDIOT??!

BUT, also most importantly, none of this is in my control.  Sometimes I just have to say over and over, Phillipians 4:6-7, Phillipians 4:6-7.  

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”

In the Message verse 7 says, “then a sense of God’s wholeness, everything COMING TOGETHER FOR THE GOOD, will come and settle you down.” 

God is here. I just need to breathe and let Him take care of my worries.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

As soon as we left my house to come back after the wedding, I knew something was up.  I felt so so SICK.  At first I thought it was maybe just allergies (which I don’t have, but maybe someday!) but that wasn’t it.  By the time we got to Greensburg, I was ready to run into Dillons and load up on medicine!  So I did.  Then, for the pst three days, I have barely been able to move.  I was just achy and miserable and SICK.  I didn’t even feel like talking, and that NEVER happens.

But, on Wednesday, Han took me to the doctor, and they figured me out.  So I am good nowJ

But, this experience reminded me that, sometimes when I want to leave Barclay, I am reminded of how many very very very good friends I have here.  People who God has put in my life to truly be GOOD friends, to show me the love of Christ as He has asked them to.  They don’t mind giving of their time, or listening, or just in general being there to lean on.  It is so wonderful to be taken care of by the Lord!  Every good and perfect gift truly comes from Him.  He is so so so good to me.  I wish I could remember this gratefulness feeling everyday.  Like having muscle memory, but emotion memory instead.

Sometimes I get discouraged by Barclay, I think because so many Christians in one place can still be so selfish and self-consumed (myself definitely included).  It is hard to remember that even though we do love Jesus, we are still very much human!  This week showed me truly how much GOOD there is here, and I should definitely be grateful for it!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Member last week when I was talking of Barclay so highly?  Today Han and I just NEEDED a break!  Not that Barclay was doing anything different or wrong, but sometimes so much community (especially when so much of the community is in the “butterflies” stage of finding husbands) is very very hard to take.  So we escaped and went to Clark State Lake with picnic lunches.  It was SO good. 

The point of the escaping was a little spiritual retreat for both of us.  Life has been so crazy lately that I just fall asleep anytime my mind/body is idle.  So much crazy leads to lack of God time, and that is definitely showing in my relationships with people!  So, today on my retreat I yelled at God.  Not yelled, but asked SO many questions!  I am getting old, and I feel that in my stubbornness, my thought processes, my lack of brain power, and my ability to stay up late (in order to get lots of stuff done!)  My mind is not as open to Christ and his commands as it used to be, and I hate that, but it is so hard to CONCIOUSLY REMEMBER to focus on what I have learned and how to put Christ’s love into practice daily. 

It is also hard when life is so hard to balance anyways.  For the first time in my life, I feel so busy and rushed and stretched thin, and there I can’t see a way out.  So, this retreat day was very frustrating, followed by rewarding.  I just sat against a tree stump and poured my heart out to God.  I always tend to exalt the past in my mind, and one of the questions that I asked God over and over is WHY can’t I do this? Why can’t I balance? I used to be able to!  High school was way busier, and way easier! 

He showed me.  I truly believe that in high school, my heart was in the right place more of the time.  It was easy for my relationship with Christ to grow, because there were non-believer challengers all around, and I could recognize those challengers.  Here, at Barclay, those non-believers are few and far between.  So, my challenges are different.  God is challenging and pruning a new part of my emotions, and I just need to stop controlling and let Him do what He does best. 

Later on Tuesday, September 13, 2011 J

Again, I am so grateful for my Barclay friends!  I had a great talk with Emma Macy tonight (we are walking buddies).  I truly believe that God helped it happen that we would walk tonight, because she had exactly the words I needed to hear!  She said that she was like me her sophomore year, stretched way too thin.  She said I have to limit my friends, and that I can’t always be pouring into everybody.  She said that I have to let people pour into me, too, which I hate to have happen.  It is better for me to be focused on just a few people, well, then be focused on everybody and therefore not be a good friend to any of them.

That is so so good and so hard to hear.  I feel like God wants me to simplify, but I really do not know how!  I think I will drop a class, and that will help, but I do not know how to stop with the people.  I have friends that I spend more time with, yes, but I just want to TALK to so many different people, and for the first time in my life, I really don’t have time!  It is so so frustrating.  I thought God said community was good, and that we need to be there for each other and love on everyone, and let our lives be uplifting.  I love to live like that, but lately I try to do it so much, as well as balancing so much other stuff, that I am just failing at everything, miserably.    So, I guess to much of any good thing is bad. 

Dear Lord,

Help me to do what’s right.  Teach me to live how you want me to live, how you want me to love, how you want me to serve.  I am so focused on so many things, and running a billion different directions.  I do not know how to live anymore.  Help me. Help me. Help me.  Center me on You, for You are everything good and pleasing and perfect.  Help me relax and rest in You.  Form me to be more like you.

Amen.

Saturday September 17, 2011

Today is the first day I ran in a college cross country meet, EVER.  Today is the first day I ran in a cross country meet, EVER.  I had a 16 min, 57 second time for 2.5 miles.  I placed 14^th out of 21.  I feel the worst. 

Usually, I LOVE running.  It is my peace time, my time with God, my time where I can gather my thoughts and meditate on what the Lord is teaching me.  Not today.  Today I just couldn’t even think.  I couldn’t think of anything but pain, and not breathing, and the end never ever being near.  I couldn’t even bring to mind a verse.  Sometimes I could just say “Jesus!” in my head.  That helped.  I think that that race, minus the bright spots of Jesus, is probably exactly what hell would be like.  Endless running, pushing, striving, and pain, but with no end or reward.  I am so glad Jesus saved me from that.

Also, I pushed myself so hard in that race because I was very focused on not being last.  I didn’t know how prideful I was until that race.  Ouch.  It felt good afterwards, to succeed, but it wasn’t talent or energy that kept me going, but pride.  Pride is a sin.  I don’t really know how to feel about this right now.   Its funny how discomfort can bring out the worst in a person, like on a mission trip.  I guess cross country is just another example of that.  Next time I am going to try to be more focused on God and not on individual success.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Sometimes here it is easy to forget about all the terrible things in the world.  Not just media things or other things we are protected from here, but like, bad things that are happening to people everywhere, and affecting the people I go to school with! 

Devotions in choir on Wednesdays always give me a reality check.  I don’t like the pain that people are going through, but I love this time because it is one of the only times/biggest groups, that come together before the Lord to bare their hearts and pray for each other.  So many people have BIG issues and problems (not just with them, but with families and close friends) that need so much prayer, and that their hearts must be hurting so much from!  It always makes me mad at myself because 1) I don’t know about most of the requests, and because they are so big (not that any request is small, but like, cancer and death and car wrecks!) I wish I could have known so I could have at least hugged that person or something!  Reason number 2 that I get mad is because I always feel selfish and self-consumed that people everywhere are going through such hard things and times and I do not even notice, or pray half the time, or even think about it!  I really need to become better at being more aware of others.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

People are funny.  I had a sort of “date” tonight, but I do not know how I feel about it.  It is so so hard to have someone who loves Jesus and who MAYBE could be a husband right under your nose, who likes you, who it would be easy to start a relationship with, but then figuring out that that is not what God has planned for you.  A verse that I feel was CONSTANTLY passed around last year was Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.“  It is not hard to see that God has a husband for me in that plan (if He does have one planned), but it is hard to see that maybe He has a really really GOOD one planned, one that loves Him and pursues Him and wants me to love Him as much as he does.  I am glad God is in control, I just wish sometimes His timing would hurry up!

P.S. God is helping me become more articulate!  I had to say things tonight in long paragraphs, about my feelings, and I could put things into words!  I made sense!  No stuttering or losing track.  Thank you Jesus!

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Wow! This week was so crazy.  I feel like Cat Dog running around with both heads chopped off.  I think I forgot what sleep was. 

Sometimes the best things ever are momma talksJ My mom had to come up for the sale and board meetings, and for the first time in a long time, we got to go out to eat and talk, without either of us being focused on something else or something else we had to get to.  Sometimes I get SO mad at her because she is so crazy busy, but then I realize I am exactly the same way.  Maybe that makes me want to simplify my life even more, because I can see how much it affects our family.  I do not want my family to be in the super constant state of “go go go!” At least not all the time.

BUT, she is so good, and I am so proud of her!  She got nominated for Teacher of the Year, and she got in the top three in the state! Woot woot!  Anyways, she is very wise, and she was very much able to speak wisdom in my life today.  Sometimes I forget that it is still Christ-like to stick up for myself just a little bit, in a respectful way, and she reminded me of that today.  She even gave me examples!  She also reminded me (not consciously) of how important one on one fellowship is (especially with family members!)  I need to get better about having those talks, your relationship grows so much in that time.  You are able to talk about so many things, and the Lord really blessed us today.     

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Sometimes, I do not think very nice things about people.  I don’t like to think that that happens, and it is hard to imagine some of the things I say/think coming out of my mouth or crossing my mind.  It is hard to judge the sin and not the person.  Very very hard, especially when it is a consistent behavior!  It is also frustrating when you live with that person. Here are SO many verses that have came to mind lately…

Luke 6:31 “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”

Matthew 5:44 “But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

John 13:34 "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”

1 Thessalonians 5:15 “See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people.”

And more! Its amazing how many verses there are about loving those who hate you, loving the unlovely and those unworthy of love.  It is also hard to think the feelings you instinctively feel toward that person are how Christ should have felt towards you, maybe even more so!  BUT, he still gave his life and DIED, and now I am saved.  Forgiving someone 70x7 is the least I can do.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I still hate being a small group leader.  I canceled today maybe a little for that reason.  I hate organizing things (which is just my own problem that I should get over), but I REALLY hate having to be the responsible one, the leader one, the one that people follow.  (Not that its SUPER a lot like that, but there IS that pressure.)  I have great girls, but I do not know how to draw them out.  I know how to small talk, but I do not know how to transition to deeper things.  I have always had that problem, and I have always known it was a problem.  It is the worst!  I am so inadequate and little and I have no idea what I’m doing. 

I just realized I started almost every sentence with “I,” and this is not “my” thing, it is God’s thing.  100%. Totally. Completely.  I think I’ll just pray now.

Dear God,

I pray for my small group.  I pray for Leah, Kathy, Bobbi, Katelyn, and Jen.  God, I do not know what I’m doing.  I don’t know how to lead, I don’t know how to help when I’m in a leadership position, I don’t know anything!  BUT, you know all that.  You see my fearful heart and You see how much you love each and every one of us.  You are so big.  Please wrap each of us in your arms, individually and during our times together.  Please fill all of our times with You; help us laugh with You, love like You, listen like You, and grow in You.  You are the only one who can make this work.  Not me, not a smarter and better small group leader, only You.  Please help me believe that.  Amen.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

“Come away with me

Come away with me

Its not too late

Its never too late

Its not too late for you.

I have plans for you.

I have big plans for you.

Its gonna be wild

Its gonna be great

Its gonna be full of me.

So open up your heart, and let me in.”

I went home this weekend, and every time I do I think more and more about the future, because I don’t know how much longer that is going to be my home home, and it seems like my family changes so much when I’m gone, I don’t want to imagine being even farther!  This weekend was Han’s birthday, and I made her some canvas with this song on it.  (The other day in chapel we both wrote it down right when we stopped singing).  She wrote at the top, Dear Han, and at the bottom, Love, Jesus… and it is so true!

The future is so so scary, it is so much bigger and more different than I can even imagine.  There are so many THINGS to consider! Good things and bad things, Godly things and hard things.  I do not LIKE it, but I do not like growing up that much either, so what could I expect?  It is SO comforting to be reminded that I have a Savior who really does have plans for me and who will be there EVERY STEP of the way.  He waits for me (lots!) and is patient when I don’t always trust.  If I COULD just trust, and open up my heart to his God-confidence and plans and love, then I KNOW it will be so good!  It is just so hard to imagine going away with Him.  Literally, going away.  I need to trust. I need to trust. I need to trust.