Thursday, August 25, 2011

            Today is the first day I’ve been able to sit down and actually write anything.  Being on Stuco makes life with noobs so much busier!  I am worried for this year.  It is hard to trust God in that maybe my husband will be here, and in that maybe I am not grown up enough to be a sophomore in college.  This summer was hard.  Going back home after you haven’t lived there is awkward, you feel very out of place!  I am worried that maybe some of the disconnectedness will carry over to this year.  Basically, I am just very worried!  :P  During our family vacation I discovered Psalm 16, and there are a few verses that really apply to my life always, and that I always find very much encouraging.  Today, Psalm 16:8 is especially challenging: “I know the Lord is always with me.  I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.”  He IS always right there!  I should not be rooted in the happenings of the world  (new people, new happenings, new roles, being away from family) around me, but I SHOULD be rooted in Him, because in Him I will NOT be shaken, for He is ALWAYS right beside me.  He doesn’t change J

Monday, August 29, 2011

            Retreat is overrrrr.  It is kind of bittersweet.  Sweet because I maybe found my husband!  Bitter because I am probs the worst small group leader.  Sweet because things are no longer awkward with me and Kaelin!  Bitter because I can already tell that my year’s schedule is gonna be crazyyyy.  It is hard to trust God with husbands.  Maybe because what we are always taught is to seek out a boy, to be attracted to someone.  We We WE.  Not God, but US.  So, I maybe found a boy that has a lot of good qualities that maybe I like, but I have to trust God to give me what He knows is best.  Maybe this boy isn’t best, but maybe he is too.  So so hard to trust!

            Also, maybe I learned even more that I am the worst at being in charge of things.  I feel like God has really gifted me at being a good second-in-command, a good skill for a wife or an assistant.  BUT, I also very much felt that He was calling me to be a small group leader, and now that I am I very much wish I was not.  IT will maybe help me learn to be stronger in my faith, but right now I just feel the most INADEQUATE.  So inadequate.  But hey, with God all things are possible, right?:)

            Kaelin and I are friends again!  That was an area of consistent prayer over the summer, and God is so so so so good.. of course! We even fist-pounded J

Friday, September 2, 2011

            Today I head home for Linds’ wedding!  I am putting so much of this weekend in God’s hands.  I am worried (of course)

List of Worries:

1. Will Hannah, Em, and Chel get along?

2. Will it be awkward for everyone to stay at my house?

3. Will I be able to relate to and actively show Christ to all of these hometown people?

4. Will I be able to help my Barclay friends get to know my out of town friends?

5. Will everyone feel accepted?

6. Will I be able to be a bridesmaid? What does a bridesmaid do?

7. Will I have enough time to spend with my family, too?

And.. most importantly.. WHY IS MY BEST FRIEND MARRYING AN IDIOT??!

BUT, also most importantly, none of this is in my control.  Sometimes I just have to say over and over, Phillipians 4:6-7, Phillipians 4:6-7.  

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”

In the Message verse 7 says, “then a sense of God’s wholeness, everything COMING TOGETHER FOR THE GOOD, will come and settle you down.” 

God is here. I just need to breathe and let Him take care of my worries.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

As soon as we left my house to come back after the wedding, I knew something was up.  I felt so so SICK.  At first I thought it was maybe just allergies (which I don’t have, but maybe someday!) but that wasn’t it.  By the time we got to Greensburg, I was ready to run into Dillons and load up on medicine!  So I did.  Then, for the pst three days, I have barely been able to move.  I was just achy and miserable and SICK.  I didn’t even feel like talking, and that NEVER happens.

But, on Wednesday, Han took me to the doctor, and they figured me out.  So I am good nowJ

But, this experience reminded me that, sometimes when I want to leave Barclay, I am reminded of how many very very very good friends I have here.  People who God has put in my life to truly be GOOD friends, to show me the love of Christ as He has asked them to.  They don’t mind giving of their time, or listening, or just in general being there to lean on.  It is so wonderful to be taken care of by the Lord!  Every good and perfect gift truly comes from Him.  He is so so so good to me.  I wish I could remember this gratefulness feeling everyday.  Like having muscle memory, but emotion memory instead.

Sometimes I get discouraged by Barclay, I think because so many Christians in one place can still be so selfish and self-consumed (myself definitely included).  It is hard to remember that even though we do love Jesus, we are still very much human!  This week showed me truly how much GOOD there is here, and I should definitely be grateful for it!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Member last week when I was talking of Barclay so highly?  Today Han and I just NEEDED a break!  Not that Barclay was doing anything different or wrong, but sometimes so much community (especially when so much of the community is in the “butterflies” stage of finding husbands) is very very hard to take.  So we escaped and went to Clark State Lake with picnic lunches.  It was SO good. 

The point of the escaping was a little spiritual retreat for both of us.  Life has been so crazy lately that I just fall asleep anytime my mind/body is idle.  So much crazy leads to lack of God time, and that is definitely showing in my relationships with people!  So, today on my retreat I yelled at God.  Not yelled, but asked SO many questions!  I am getting old, and I feel that in my stubbornness, my thought processes, my lack of brain power, and my ability to stay up late (in order to get lots of stuff done!)  My mind is not as open to Christ and his commands as it used to be, and I hate that, but it is so hard to CONCIOUSLY REMEMBER to focus on what I have learned and how to put Christ’s love into practice daily. 

It is also hard when life is so hard to balance anyways.  For the first time in my life, I feel so busy and rushed and stretched thin, and there I can’t see a way out.  So, this retreat day was very frustrating, followed by rewarding.  I just sat against a tree stump and poured my heart out to God.  I always tend to exalt the past in my mind, and one of the questions that I asked God over and over is WHY can’t I do this? Why can’t I balance? I used to be able to!  High school was way busier, and way easier! 

He showed me.  I truly believe that in high school, my heart was in the right place more of the time.  It was easy for my relationship with Christ to grow, because there were non-believer challengers all around, and I could recognize those challengers.  Here, at Barclay, those non-believers are few and far between.  So, my challenges are different.  God is challenging and pruning a new part of my emotions, and I just need to stop controlling and let Him do what He does best. 

Later on Tuesday, September 13, 2011 J

Again, I am so grateful for my Barclay friends!  I had a great talk with Emma Macy tonight (we are walking buddies).  I truly believe that God helped it happen that we would walk tonight, because she had exactly the words I needed to hear!  She said that she was like me her sophomore year, stretched way too thin.  She said I have to limit my friends, and that I can’t always be pouring into everybody.  She said that I have to let people pour into me, too, which I hate to have happen.  It is better for me to be focused on just a few people, well, then be focused on everybody and therefore not be a good friend to any of them.

That is so so good and so hard to hear.  I feel like God wants me to simplify, but I really do not know how!  I think I will drop a class, and that will help, but I do not know how to stop with the people.  I have friends that I spend more time with, yes, but I just want to TALK to so many different people, and for the first time in my life, I really don’t have time!  It is so so frustrating.  I thought God said community was good, and that we need to be there for each other and love on everyone, and let our lives be uplifting.  I love to live like that, but lately I try to do it so much, as well as balancing so much other stuff, that I am just failing at everything, miserably.    So, I guess to much of any good thing is bad. 

Dear Lord,

Help me to do what’s right.  Teach me to live how you want me to live, how you want me to love, how you want me to serve.  I am so focused on so many things, and running a billion different directions.  I do not know how to live anymore.  Help me. Help me. Help me.  Center me on You, for You are everything good and pleasing and perfect.  Help me relax and rest in You.  Form me to be more like you.

Amen.

Saturday September 17, 2011

Today is the first day I ran in a college cross country meet, EVER.  Today is the first day I ran in a cross country meet, EVER.  I had a 16 min, 57 second time for 2.5 miles.  I placed 14^th out of 21.  I feel the worst. 

Usually, I LOVE running.  It is my peace time, my time with God, my time where I can gather my thoughts and meditate on what the Lord is teaching me.  Not today.  Today I just couldn’t even think.  I couldn’t think of anything but pain, and not breathing, and the end never ever being near.  I couldn’t even bring to mind a verse.  Sometimes I could just say “Jesus!” in my head.  That helped.  I think that that race, minus the bright spots of Jesus, is probably exactly what hell would be like.  Endless running, pushing, striving, and pain, but with no end or reward.  I am so glad Jesus saved me from that.

Also, I pushed myself so hard in that race because I was very focused on not being last.  I didn’t know how prideful I was until that race.  Ouch.  It felt good afterwards, to succeed, but it wasn’t talent or energy that kept me going, but pride.  Pride is a sin.  I don’t really know how to feel about this right now.   Its funny how discomfort can bring out the worst in a person, like on a mission trip.  I guess cross country is just another example of that.  Next time I am going to try to be more focused on God and not on individual success.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Sometimes here it is easy to forget about all the terrible things in the world.  Not just media things or other things we are protected from here, but like, bad things that are happening to people everywhere, and affecting the people I go to school with! 

Devotions in choir on Wednesdays always give me a reality check.  I don’t like the pain that people are going through, but I love this time because it is one of the only times/biggest groups, that come together before the Lord to bare their hearts and pray for each other.  So many people have BIG issues and problems (not just with them, but with families and close friends) that need so much prayer, and that their hearts must be hurting so much from!  It always makes me mad at myself because 1) I don’t know about most of the requests, and because they are so big (not that any request is small, but like, cancer and death and car wrecks!) I wish I could have known so I could have at least hugged that person or something!  Reason number 2 that I get mad is because I always feel selfish and self-consumed that people everywhere are going through such hard things and times and I do not even notice, or pray half the time, or even think about it!  I really need to become better at being more aware of others.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

People are funny.  I had a sort of “date” tonight, but I do not know how I feel about it.  It is so so hard to have someone who loves Jesus and who MAYBE could be a husband right under your nose, who likes you, who it would be easy to start a relationship with, but then figuring out that that is not what God has planned for you.  A verse that I feel was CONSTANTLY passed around last year was Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.“  It is not hard to see that God has a husband for me in that plan (if He does have one planned), but it is hard to see that maybe He has a really really GOOD one planned, one that loves Him and pursues Him and wants me to love Him as much as he does.  I am glad God is in control, I just wish sometimes His timing would hurry up!

P.S. God is helping me become more articulate!  I had to say things tonight in long paragraphs, about my feelings, and I could put things into words!  I made sense!  No stuttering or losing track.  Thank you Jesus!

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Wow! This week was so crazy.  I feel like Cat Dog running around with both heads chopped off.  I think I forgot what sleep was. 

Sometimes the best things ever are momma talksJ My mom had to come up for the sale and board meetings, and for the first time in a long time, we got to go out to eat and talk, without either of us being focused on something else or something else we had to get to.  Sometimes I get SO mad at her because she is so crazy busy, but then I realize I am exactly the same way.  Maybe that makes me want to simplify my life even more, because I can see how much it affects our family.  I do not want my family to be in the super constant state of “go go go!” At least not all the time.

BUT, she is so good, and I am so proud of her!  She got nominated for Teacher of the Year, and she got in the top three in the state! Woot woot!  Anyways, she is very wise, and she was very much able to speak wisdom in my life today.  Sometimes I forget that it is still Christ-like to stick up for myself just a little bit, in a respectful way, and she reminded me of that today.  She even gave me examples!  She also reminded me (not consciously) of how important one on one fellowship is (especially with family members!)  I need to get better about having those talks, your relationship grows so much in that time.  You are able to talk about so many things, and the Lord really blessed us today.     

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Sometimes, I do not think very nice things about people.  I don’t like to think that that happens, and it is hard to imagine some of the things I say/think coming out of my mouth or crossing my mind.  It is hard to judge the sin and not the person.  Very very hard, especially when it is a consistent behavior!  It is also frustrating when you live with that person. Here are SO many verses that have came to mind lately…

Luke 6:31 “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”

Matthew 5:44 “But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

John 13:34 "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”

1 Thessalonians 5:15 “See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people.”

And more! Its amazing how many verses there are about loving those who hate you, loving the unlovely and those unworthy of love.  It is also hard to think the feelings you instinctively feel toward that person are how Christ should have felt towards you, maybe even more so!  BUT, he still gave his life and DIED, and now I am saved.  Forgiving someone 70x7 is the least I can do.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I still hate being a small group leader.  I canceled today maybe a little for that reason.  I hate organizing things (which is just my own problem that I should get over), but I REALLY hate having to be the responsible one, the leader one, the one that people follow.  (Not that its SUPER a lot like that, but there IS that pressure.)  I have great girls, but I do not know how to draw them out.  I know how to small talk, but I do not know how to transition to deeper things.  I have always had that problem, and I have always known it was a problem.  It is the worst!  I am so inadequate and little and I have no idea what I’m doing. 

I just realized I started almost every sentence with “I,” and this is not “my” thing, it is God’s thing.  100%. Totally. Completely.  I think I’ll just pray now.

Dear God,

I pray for my small group.  I pray for Leah, Kathy, Bobbi, Katelyn, and Jen.  God, I do not know what I’m doing.  I don’t know how to lead, I don’t know how to help when I’m in a leadership position, I don’t know anything!  BUT, you know all that.  You see my fearful heart and You see how much you love each and every one of us.  You are so big.  Please wrap each of us in your arms, individually and during our times together.  Please fill all of our times with You; help us laugh with You, love like You, listen like You, and grow in You.  You are the only one who can make this work.  Not me, not a smarter and better small group leader, only You.  Please help me believe that.  Amen.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

“Come away with me

Come away with me

Its not too late

Its never too late

Its not too late for you.

I have plans for you.

I have big plans for you.

Its gonna be wild

Its gonna be great

Its gonna be full of me.

So open up your heart, and let me in.”

I went home this weekend, and every time I do I think more and more about the future, because I don’t know how much longer that is going to be my home home, and it seems like my family changes so much when I’m gone, I don’t want to imagine being even farther!  This weekend was Han’s birthday, and I made her some canvas with this song on it.  (The other day in chapel we both wrote it down right when we stopped singing).  She wrote at the top, Dear Han, and at the bottom, Love, Jesus… and it is so true!

The future is so so scary, it is so much bigger and more different than I can even imagine.  There are so many THINGS to consider! Good things and bad things, Godly things and hard things.  I do not LIKE it, but I do not like growing up that much either, so what could I expect?  It is SO comforting to be reminded that I have a Savior who really does have plans for me and who will be there EVERY STEP of the way.  He waits for me (lots!) and is patient when I don’t always trust.  If I COULD just trust, and open up my heart to his God-confidence and plans and love, then I KNOW it will be so good!  It is just so hard to imagine going away with Him.  Literally, going away.  I need to trust. I need to trust. I need to trust.