hmm... this week was a great week. It was BEAUTIFUL outside, almost 60 or 70 every day! Emma, Saman, and Chels set up Sam's hammock outside their house.. and we just laid in it and giggled and played in the sun. Also, I got pizza hut stuffed crust THREE TIMES this week.. and TWICE with Parmesan Garlic sauce. so so so perfect! This week I also turned in my first legitimate paper for Barclay College, ever. It was about whether I thought this other guy was a good writer or not, so that was lame, but other than that it was a great feeling. :) Today I talked to my little brother on the phone, he played basketball today, and he told me all about it. That was perfect, I miss him. Also, I slept in until 12:30, ran 2 miles and walked 3, giggled with lots and lots of different people, and watched Letters to Juliet. It was an amazing day.
oh my goodness! p.s. to that! today... JILL FOUND MY PURITY RING!! I lost it the first day back from break when I was carrying my stuff back in. Tonight, she found it on the street, and I am so so excited!!
Lots of the giggling today was about my friends boyfriends/fiances... so that was super fun. Its funny the total change that can come over a girl whenever they start talking about the guy that they love. Even the quietest ones, like Cara, get super excited and have all sorts of stories to tell. The look that comes over their face as soon as that person's name is mentioned is precious. They LOVE to talk about the experiences they've had together, their laughs, and when you start looking at pictures.. watch out! You'll be there all night! Not that I mind at all, I LOVE to listen to those kinds of stories. :) It is one of the most fun things to watch your friend talk about the person who makes them the absolute happiest, someone who they can't wait to spend EVERY DAY of their life with. EVERY DAY... can you imagine?? The person you marry is someone you willingly adopt into your FAMILY for forever. That's nuts! They'd have to be pretty special. I'm keeping my eyes peeled.. sometimes. :)
My roomie just asked me, what's gonna happen after we get married? What're we gonna be? Huh. That's a super good question. I feel like so much of your identity is wrapped up in who you're going to marry, its hard to imagine what will happen afterwards. Even though friendships after marriage are healthy and necessary, its hard to imagine them. Its like, the roles are reversed. Now, you leave the place where you live to be with a boy, but, after marriage, you leave the place where you live to be with girls. You have to make time for the same things but in a different way. It would definitely be hard to balance! nuts. Also, I know that I, personally, make the mistake of thinking my life begins AFTER I get married. Sometimes I have to say, HEY! Life is going on right now silly! There is so much I can do RIGHT NOW that I couldn't if I had a husband, or even a boyfriend for that matter. Believe me, I tried. It didn't go too well. Actually, it didn't go at all. I just like to do lots of different things with lots of different people... and I still love every single one of them. I don't want people to get bored of me, so I just switch groups often. I have decided that when God helps me love a guy more than I love switching groups or people that I hang out with, that is probably who I will marry. :)
Today I read in Ephesians 4, "Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each others faults, because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. For there is one body and one spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future." Those words (and the whole chapter), just really spoke to me. First of all, Paul was in PRISON.. and saying these things. God is so full of an undeniable peace. Secondly, I have been CALLED by God to one glorious hope for the future! God designed ME to be part of His plan. Not only me specifically, but all the other me's out there. Everyone, to themselves, are a me, and He called each one of them to fill out a role that He has created with care and love for each of us. If that doesn't make you feel special, I don't know if anything will! So, because each of us are so so special, we should be patient with each other, and bind ourselves together with peace, and treat each other with humility and gentleness. That would be the definition of the "perfect" church body I think, or at least a good base for one. Wow. My dad always says, "God doesn't make mistakes." He means that if we criticize someones looks or anything, we are criticizing God's idea and creation. I think that if we stop that criticism, we could start treating people the way Jesus wants them to be treated.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Ay-o. :)
How do you say hello to love again? How do you move from the place in your life where you go from always missing a person, to sometimes missing a person to never missing them? How long does it take to not have a little "twing" whenever you say some funny phrase you always used to say to them? When do you know you're officially "over" someone? What does that even mean, anyways? I feel like its implied that when you don't think about someone anymore, you're over them. BUT, don't country songs always say "you never forget your first love?" I feel like maybe that's true. Suck. I guess you just have to daily give the hurt and confusion to God. That's what I've been doing, so far.. its working out super good. He takes care of me. :)
I used to dream when I was little (and sometimes still now) and had to do chores. Sweeping the floors was the WORST.. but I always got stuck with it! It turned out to be okay though, because soon I started pretending that I was Cinderella, or some days Snow White.. and I would dance around, and sing, and sweep the dust every which way. The best part was dreaming about the prince. I didn't ever really picture him, he changes daily, but in my daydream, I knew that when I was with him, I had indescribable joy. With him, I was beautiful, special, funny, talented, and someone who he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. I dunno if dreaming about that type of "prince" was totally unrealistic, but now I know that that is the way I need to feel about God. That that "completeness" I was visualizing with my "prince" can actually ONLY be fulfilled by my Savior. In James 4:5, he says "And what He gives in love is FAR BETTER than ANYTHING else you'll find..." That's hard to remember lots of times. Also, it narrows down the possibilities for future princes as well. Over break, I have learned that the single-most important quality I am looking for in a husband is for him to be seeking out the same relationship and completeness in God that I am seeking. I know this is so weird, but a man sold out to God is pretty darn sexy. :) I want him to be more in love with Jesus than with me. Yeah. That just took me a while to realize. :)
On a lighter note, I love school. :) I love seeing all sorts of different people and being their friend. I prayed alot over break for God to help me branch out this semester, and He has! Speaking of answered prayers, I asked my small group to pray for me so that I could find ways to be more involved in ministry. The next day, I had a facebook post asking me to teach sunday school this sunday. It was a one time thing, but God answered! Sometimes I just have to sit back and say, "Wow God, you're amazing."
p.s. the two little boys I taught in Sunday school were PRECIOUS! One was three and one was four, and the three year old, Tristan, had that little accent thing little kids have when they're just barely talking and they're hard to understand. The four year old was a super smart Asian kid, Kaden, and so Tristan copied him sometimes. They started arguing about whether or not he was copying Kaden, but after a while, Kaden just said, "Okay, we should stop fighting now." It was adorable. Then, later, they were playing with two bouncy balls, and Kaden wanted Tristans. He asked politely if they could trade, Tristan said no, so Kaden asked about three more times. Finally, he gave up, and IMMEDIATELY Tristan said, "okay, we can trade now," in the most precious voice ever! It not only made me want a Godly marriage even MORE, so that I could raise Godly kids, but it also made me want about 10 sons. :) okay. the end.
I used to dream when I was little (and sometimes still now) and had to do chores. Sweeping the floors was the WORST.. but I always got stuck with it! It turned out to be okay though, because soon I started pretending that I was Cinderella, or some days Snow White.. and I would dance around, and sing, and sweep the dust every which way. The best part was dreaming about the prince. I didn't ever really picture him, he changes daily, but in my daydream, I knew that when I was with him, I had indescribable joy. With him, I was beautiful, special, funny, talented, and someone who he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. I dunno if dreaming about that type of "prince" was totally unrealistic, but now I know that that is the way I need to feel about God. That that "completeness" I was visualizing with my "prince" can actually ONLY be fulfilled by my Savior. In James 4:5, he says "And what He gives in love is FAR BETTER than ANYTHING else you'll find..." That's hard to remember lots of times. Also, it narrows down the possibilities for future princes as well. Over break, I have learned that the single-most important quality I am looking for in a husband is for him to be seeking out the same relationship and completeness in God that I am seeking. I know this is so weird, but a man sold out to God is pretty darn sexy. :) I want him to be more in love with Jesus than with me. Yeah. That just took me a while to realize. :)
On a lighter note, I love school. :) I love seeing all sorts of different people and being their friend. I prayed alot over break for God to help me branch out this semester, and He has! Speaking of answered prayers, I asked my small group to pray for me so that I could find ways to be more involved in ministry. The next day, I had a facebook post asking me to teach sunday school this sunday. It was a one time thing, but God answered! Sometimes I just have to sit back and say, "Wow God, you're amazing."
p.s. the two little boys I taught in Sunday school were PRECIOUS! One was three and one was four, and the three year old, Tristan, had that little accent thing little kids have when they're just barely talking and they're hard to understand. The four year old was a super smart Asian kid, Kaden, and so Tristan copied him sometimes. They started arguing about whether or not he was copying Kaden, but after a while, Kaden just said, "Okay, we should stop fighting now." It was adorable. Then, later, they were playing with two bouncy balls, and Kaden wanted Tristans. He asked politely if they could trade, Tristan said no, so Kaden asked about three more times. Finally, he gave up, and IMMEDIATELY Tristan said, "okay, we can trade now," in the most precious voice ever! It not only made me want a Godly marriage even MORE, so that I could raise Godly kids, but it also made me want about 10 sons. :) okay. the end.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
It's about to get serious..
As I was driving home for break, the weekend 22 was on... and for the whole two hour drive from Haviland, my speakers were blasting with Jesus music. I loved it. :) Just now, I went to their website to remember the names of some of the songs so I could download them, and I realized how many of them were about missions. Or, well, just about DOING things for other people in the name of Christ. In 1 Chronicles 16:24 it says
"Tell people about His glory. Tell all the nations about His miracles." I think, in the past I've seen this verse as a reason to say "Wow, that's an awesome call to missions for MISSIONARIES" or "Okay! I can just minister to the people I'm around right now." But, I get busy with life, and even though I don't knowingly do anything to tear people away from Christ and His sacrifice, I don't challenge myself to go DO or TELL anyone new about Him either. In the past, when I was younger, I would always try to smile at people or help them in Wal-Mart when I was with my mom or something. Then, I would see that as my way of witnessing. Until, just right now actually, I thought that same thing about witnessing. That a small act of kindness can lead someone to Christ. And, maybe that's true... God definitely works in mysterious ways. :) BUT, also, I think we're called to "TELL people about His glory," and "TELL al the nations about His miracles." I mean, how are people going to recognize their need for a Savior if they don't really KNOW about Him?? How are they going to repent and believe if they don't know how or why to do that?? And, well, how do we tell them?? How do we cross the line between being a friendly smiler in Wal-Mart to asking them personal questions about their faith? I guess I'll just start praying and asking God to show me different people to witness to. I don't really know where else to start. I really do want to tell, so so badly, but I don't want to scare people off, at the same time. Its a hard thing to find a balance in, I guess that's why its easier to not do it. But in 1 Chronicles 16:23, right before 24, just in case you were wondering... :) we are told to
"Sing to the Lord, all the earth. Proclaim good tidings of His salvation from day to day." I guess I better get my telling voice warmed up. :)
P.S. I'm no wise person... please don't try to learn from this blog if you're looking for advice.. I just write it down so that I can figure it out. :)
BUT.. if God does teach you something.. great! I'm super glad He did.
P.P.S. Happy Thanksgiving!! My sister and I (mostly my sister) are making pretty pretty fall and Christmas sugar cookies that I will put up in a sec... or a couple days. :)
P.P.P.S Right now, I'm laying in my bed, with my blankets that still smell like Bounce Dryer Sheets, and there is no where else better in the whole wide world. Goodnight. :)
"Tell people about His glory. Tell all the nations about His miracles." I think, in the past I've seen this verse as a reason to say "Wow, that's an awesome call to missions for MISSIONARIES" or "Okay! I can just minister to the people I'm around right now." But, I get busy with life, and even though I don't knowingly do anything to tear people away from Christ and His sacrifice, I don't challenge myself to go DO or TELL anyone new about Him either. In the past, when I was younger, I would always try to smile at people or help them in Wal-Mart when I was with my mom or something. Then, I would see that as my way of witnessing. Until, just right now actually, I thought that same thing about witnessing. That a small act of kindness can lead someone to Christ. And, maybe that's true... God definitely works in mysterious ways. :) BUT, also, I think we're called to "TELL people about His glory," and "TELL al the nations about His miracles." I mean, how are people going to recognize their need for a Savior if they don't really KNOW about Him?? How are they going to repent and believe if they don't know how or why to do that?? And, well, how do we tell them?? How do we cross the line between being a friendly smiler in Wal-Mart to asking them personal questions about their faith? I guess I'll just start praying and asking God to show me different people to witness to. I don't really know where else to start. I really do want to tell, so so badly, but I don't want to scare people off, at the same time. Its a hard thing to find a balance in, I guess that's why its easier to not do it. But in 1 Chronicles 16:23, right before 24, just in case you were wondering... :) we are told to
"Sing to the Lord, all the earth. Proclaim good tidings of His salvation from day to day." I guess I better get my telling voice warmed up. :)
P.S. I'm no wise person... please don't try to learn from this blog if you're looking for advice.. I just write it down so that I can figure it out. :)
BUT.. if God does teach you something.. great! I'm super glad He did.
P.P.S. Happy Thanksgiving!! My sister and I (mostly my sister) are making pretty pretty fall and Christmas sugar cookies that I will put up in a sec... or a couple days. :)
P.P.P.S Right now, I'm laying in my bed, with my blankets that still smell like Bounce Dryer Sheets, and there is no where else better in the whole wide world. Goodnight. :)
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Hold My Hand.
I think I decided why I named this blog "Love is a Battlefield." It seems like everyone around me is either getting into a relationship, falling in love, or going through a difficult break up. Which is probably pretty normal for the world, actually, but I am just noticing it more than ever before. Anyways, today was a weird day. I have four friends, two girls and two guys (who are brothers). The two girls were dating the two guys. Then, the two guys dumped the two girls. Honestly, I never really thought that much about it. I go to school with the brothers, but not my girl friends, so because the boys seemed fine, I thought that girls would be relatively fine too. Not true. Today, I went to a wedding where they were all four at, and I hung out with the girls. I guess, I've never even thought about how hard it would be to be the one who didn't end the relationship. I've been in two, and I've ended two... I've always thought that it would be hard for the guy I broke up with, but not until I saw those girls today did I realize how hard. When I ended the relationships, I had been thinking about it in my head for a long time.. wondering if it was right and then giving myself closure. But, when you break up with someone, they don't have any closure. To them, you are still the one that they want to spend the rest of their life with. Of COURSE they're going to be in emotional pain for a while. I've never realized that side of it I guess. Today, I watched a TOTALLY non-dramatic girl silently cry for a long time because her heart hurt so badly. Today was the first day I can actually say I could SEE pain in someone's eyes. I sorta.. kinda.. wrote a song about it.. DON'T JUDGE. Maybe the problem is that I've been listening to WAY too much Taylor Swift lately haha.. but I dunno. Here it is.
Hold My Hand
Smiles and laughter fill the room
Joyful love of a bride and groom
Wedding bells ring happily
But they're not for you and me
I try to talk, I try to dance
Everywhere signs of romance
Even though its crowded here
I see you everywhere, you won't disappear.
You look so good, standing there
You're just like home, its more than I can bear
If only you would come over and
Hold my hand
like you used to do
Hold my hand
and whisper "I love you"
We could start over
So much better than before
If you would just hold my hand
I remember our walks on the beach
I loved it most because you were right beside me
You were always there to lean on
We laughed and we cried
When my friends asked about you
I said, "I think he's the guy"
And all the time you would just
Hold my hand
We fit perfectly
You held my hand
And back then you loved me.
Now I'm so lost
I don't know what to do.
I wanted forever
Now I'm lost without you.
You don't love me anymore
You don't want me anymore
Someday I know that I'll be stronger
But right now it doesn't feel like I'll last much longer.
Please come back to me baby
My heart is hurting so badly
Everything would be better if you would
Hold my hand
Hold me tight
Want me back
Kiss me goodnight
Hold my hand
Just hold my hand.
So yup. I'm notta Taylor.. obviously!! But, I just dunno how people can handle being broken up with so well. Sometimes, when I have a big crush on someone and then they start dating someone else... that hurts my heart. So, I can't even imagine what it would be like to be in love with someone, have a future planned with them, and then suddenly they don't want a future with you anymore. Ouch. Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch. Ouch. I just don't even know how I would react. Hopefully, I'll never have to find out.
P.S. All I've eaten today is a half bag of trail-mix and 4 kool-aid covered grapes. Plus also a cupcake. :) Now, I'm starving. FAIL. :)
Monday, November 15, 2010
Babies have life easy.
Seriously. All they do is eat, sleep, cry, sleep, eat, smile, sleep, cry... blah blah blah. Its just a slow easy life. I like to smile. I like, well, LOVE to eat and sleep, and sometimes I just need a good cry. Sometimes.. I also just want someone to hold me. Just hold me and lead me and tell me what to do and what to choose. I know that's what God is for, and I want Him to be that in my life, but sometimes its hard to just rest in Him.. and its hard to "discern" what He's telling me to do. Sometimes I just crave a big, huge, can-fix-everything daddy hug. Especially now. My friend Tacy calls God Papa-God when she prays.. maybe I'll start doing that too. He can probably give a pretty legit hug. :)
I wishhh.. that I was creative. Sometimes I worry that my house will be totally ugly.. I mean, it will look good to me.. because apparently alot of weird things look good to me. But, they don't look good alot of times actually, in fact my roommate actually called this pretty little swoopy dealy WITH PRETTY CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ON IT...
..."a random piece of crap." Seriously, word for word. haha.. what makes it worse was that.. even though it was MY idea.. our suitemate helped me put it up.. because I couldn't even do that myself. So I made up a random piece of crap in my head that I couldn't even make. Boo. Also, when I get in the mood to actually bake or cook.. I get so sick of food and being on my feet by the end of the two hours or whatever it takes.. that I just kinda shut down and can't bring myself to cook for about another month. This could be a potential problem I think. Hopefully my family and I live by some places that have a super good amount of take-out. Truf. So far, no props to my wifey skills.. I'll have to work on that. My suite mate will be a super good wife.. actually.. so good that we call her the "domestic goddess." She can sew, and fix things, and arrange things, and cook and bake things.. She was in 4H. I was too.. but apparently it didn't affect me the same way. Obviously, she beat me out for a 4H scholarship. Dang skills. :) My roomie, on the other hand, can only cook eggs. So, so far, I'm in second place. I can live with that. Easy peasy.
Another funny thing is that we rearranged our room.. and my bed is now kinda like a couch.. which is nice. I got kicked off tonight though.. and I have to sit at my desk while they sit on the comfy couch bed. Bummer.
But yeah.. Today I made my schedule for next semester... and I'm really gonna have to buckle down. Maybe not.. but I am taking 20 hours.. more or less. That's part of the I need a hug day I think.. I hate making decisions.. and that kind of drained me. Boo. Sorry.. I'll stop being depressing.
Speaking of wifey's, my friend Sarah was telling me about her paper in Old Testament today.. and she reminded me of Proverbs 31. She used verse 11, where it says the wife brings her husband honor ALL the days of her life. She said that she realized that a wife's life didn't start whenever she was married.. but from the time she was born. So basically, I'm bringing my husband honor now. Wowza. My mom always said.. "become like the person you want to marry." Right now, I'm not sure if I would want to marry myself. I have alot of things I need to work on. I thought what Sarah said was pretty good.. I just looked it up and I like the WHOLE chapter. Guess I better get on that. :)
Okay.. sorry my blogs are always so long.. even though no one but two other people read them. haha. :)
p.s. I might steal paige's infusion for my hair. :)
I wishhh.. that I was creative. Sometimes I worry that my house will be totally ugly.. I mean, it will look good to me.. because apparently alot of weird things look good to me. But, they don't look good alot of times actually, in fact my roommate actually called this pretty little swoopy dealy WITH PRETTY CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ON IT...
Another funny thing is that we rearranged our room.. and my bed is now kinda like a couch.. which is nice. I got kicked off tonight though.. and I have to sit at my desk while they sit on the comfy couch bed. Bummer.
But yeah.. Today I made my schedule for next semester... and I'm really gonna have to buckle down. Maybe not.. but I am taking 20 hours.. more or less. That's part of the I need a hug day I think.. I hate making decisions.. and that kind of drained me. Boo. Sorry.. I'll stop being depressing.
Speaking of wifey's, my friend Sarah was telling me about her paper in Old Testament today.. and she reminded me of Proverbs 31. She used verse 11, where it says the wife brings her husband honor ALL the days of her life. She said that she realized that a wife's life didn't start whenever she was married.. but from the time she was born. So basically, I'm bringing my husband honor now. Wowza. My mom always said.. "become like the person you want to marry." Right now, I'm not sure if I would want to marry myself. I have alot of things I need to work on. I thought what Sarah said was pretty good.. I just looked it up and I like the WHOLE chapter. Guess I better get on that. :)
Okay.. sorry my blogs are always so long.. even though no one but two other people read them. haha. :)
p.s. I might steal paige's infusion for my hair. :)
love is... funny.
Sometimes I wonder about love. Like, okay.. its easy to understand why you would be attracted to certain people.. automatically. God just gave some people the ability to be ridiculously good looking. Its just naturally easy for us to love something beautiful. But, I dunno. What about the people you pair together because they're not attractive? but then, somehow, they end up just as cute of a couple as the pretty ones! Its just a crazy life. Oooohhh.. and then what about the crazy people who have huge crushes on people who would never ever ever date them? How does that happen?? They feeling all sorts of super strong feelings about this person.. maybe they even think that they want to marry them.. AND IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. Sometimes I wonder about that, like, what if this person who is so annoying is actually the person I will marry? Why are they so attracted to me in the first place? They don't know me, not at all. And, even if they like me and "want to get to know me" (stupidest phrase.. EVER!!) you can't be THAT attracted to someone before you even know them.. its just not right. not right at all. What is love, anyway? Sure, its a feeling.. but is that it? To its greatest extent, it means dying for someone.. and if that crazy person wants to die for me.. he should probably find something better to think about. That's just weird.
Plus, how do you block someone on facebook without them knowing their blocked? What if they're a family friend, so your parents won't let you.. but you're pretty sure the next time they write on your wall you're gonna snap. What do you do then?? WWJD to THIS?? Holy guacamole.. how to you react to your brother in Christ when he's acting like a stinkin craaazzzyyy person?? (Not trying to be rude, but forreal.)
so anyways.. thats my wonderings for today. On a lighter note, my brother and I made puppy chow this weekend when I was at home, and it is mmm mmm good! The roomie Pahhge (Paige) and I ate a whole container last night, plus we had some for breakfast, and snack, and after supper snack.. num num num. :) :) Also, I gave some to Cara, and she found a little treasure in it today! Plastic covered with the chocolatey peanut buttery topping stuff. She came all the way down to work to show me. She makes me laugh. Just a heads up, there's free egg nog from her in the fridge if we want some.. She just says we should shake it first. Baha.
I love work. I love to eat food, and talk to people, and giggle, and catch up with Ashley. She likes Toney, and he likes her back.. which is always nice. :) Maybe someday they'll get married and have really pretty kiddos. If that was on facebook, I'd press the like button.
Anyways, I dunno. Right now, there are two seniors sleeping on my floor. I talked to them tonight and we hung out. Even though they're totally different from me, its weird to think that I was in the exact same place as them a year ago. Barclay tends to judge people who come visit, or just not be as friendly to them, and they noticed that.. just like I did when I was a senior. Also, its crazy to think of Barclay as an unfamiliar place (like it is to them). It's just kinda home now I guess. Its normal to have to think of things you want to do, and not have to meet new people, and just love and be loved. Its normal (and awesome!) to be a part of the community.. and its weird to see and talk to people who aren't a part of that (yet). Also, its weird to think of them as highschoolers, like, still going to youth group and band, and doing other highschooly things. Its like a whole other world.
But, anyways, last thing about today is that choir sung at Greensburg.. and I re-made friends with Eliot, I think. We giggled, and sang of course. And I learned that this guy I know might only like Asian girls, which stinks for him because I haven't seen one here yet. Weird. Also, Jesse Wallaaa may or may not have cut his NOSE today shaving, but he pretty much did. Also, trouting girls on the stairs is a pretty fun thing.
:)
p.s. sometimes... I wish my hair was black again. truf.
Plus, how do you block someone on facebook without them knowing their blocked? What if they're a family friend, so your parents won't let you.. but you're pretty sure the next time they write on your wall you're gonna snap. What do you do then?? WWJD to THIS?? Holy guacamole.. how to you react to your brother in Christ when he's acting like a stinkin craaazzzyyy person?? (Not trying to be rude, but forreal.)
so anyways.. thats my wonderings for today. On a lighter note, my brother and I made puppy chow this weekend when I was at home, and it is mmm mmm good! The roomie Pahhge (Paige) and I ate a whole container last night, plus we had some for breakfast, and snack, and after supper snack.. num num num. :) :) Also, I gave some to Cara, and she found a little treasure in it today! Plastic covered with the chocolatey peanut buttery topping stuff. She came all the way down to work to show me. She makes me laugh. Just a heads up, there's free egg nog from her in the fridge if we want some.. She just says we should shake it first. Baha.
I love work. I love to eat food, and talk to people, and giggle, and catch up with Ashley. She likes Toney, and he likes her back.. which is always nice. :) Maybe someday they'll get married and have really pretty kiddos. If that was on facebook, I'd press the like button.
Anyways, I dunno. Right now, there are two seniors sleeping on my floor. I talked to them tonight and we hung out. Even though they're totally different from me, its weird to think that I was in the exact same place as them a year ago. Barclay tends to judge people who come visit, or just not be as friendly to them, and they noticed that.. just like I did when I was a senior. Also, its crazy to think of Barclay as an unfamiliar place (like it is to them). It's just kinda home now I guess. Its normal to have to think of things you want to do, and not have to meet new people, and just love and be loved. Its normal (and awesome!) to be a part of the community.. and its weird to see and talk to people who aren't a part of that (yet). Also, its weird to think of them as highschoolers, like, still going to youth group and band, and doing other highschooly things. Its like a whole other world.
But, anyways, last thing about today is that choir sung at Greensburg.. and I re-made friends with Eliot, I think. We giggled, and sang of course. And I learned that this guy I know might only like Asian girls, which stinks for him because I haven't seen one here yet. Weird. Also, Jesse Wallaaa may or may not have cut his NOSE today shaving, but he pretty much did. Also, trouting girls on the stairs is a pretty fun thing.
:)
p.s. sometimes... I wish my hair was black again. truf.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Life is.. funny.
yeah, just really funny. One minute, you think you know what you want, and the next, you want anything but that.. just because.. wellll.. I'm not really sure why it changes. I wish I could figure it out. Like, you might be totally in love with someone.. and then you realize that the way you feel about them totally pales in comparison to the way you feel about something else, whether it be your career, your passion, or God. For me, it was God.. for others, photography, or a better job. I loved this guy, but when it came down to a choice, I loved God and what He wanted for me even more. Why did it change all of a sudden? I wish I knew the answer. Maybe someday I'll figure it out. And then, some people have life perfect. It seems like they don't ever have to think too hard about choices. They see and know what they want.. and then they go for that. Sometimes I wish I was one of those kinds of people. But then, those kinds of people tend to be pretty annoying.. they're so focused on what they want that they forget about other people's thoughts and feelings.. which are pretty important too. For me, I like to put others first, even if that does sound cliche. I like to listen and hear what they have to say, what their story is. I don't care so much about talking about myself. Maybe that's why I started this blog.. so that I wouldn't have to burden other people with my problems and I could just vent on this bad boy. :) Its pretty fun so far. Anyways, these special types of people that know exactly what they want, or what God wants for them, (at this Christian college, everyone (or almost everyone :P) knows EXACTLY what their passion is, how God wants them to use it, and who they want to marry.) Cheese and crackers, I don't have any sort of plan.. but I dunno if I want my whole life planned out either!! Wowza. But sometimes I do wish I could see just a little bit of God's plan for me, just a little, just enough so that I could be sure in my major, or something. Lots of people tell me I have really good qualities, lots of really good qualities (and not in a cocky way at all, I don't mean that at all cocky!!, pinky promise. :)) And I know I'm supposed to not try to be great in people's eyes, and I'm not trying to... but I just feel like if people see these qualities.. WHY
CAN'T GOD?? Where is my plan?? What am I supposed to DO???? Please... Sometimes I have this prideful thing that I want to do something great for God, and shoot.. I really do! I just wish I could start now.. do something now.. NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!! haha.. Sometimes its hard to remember that God's timing is perfect. REALLY hard. really really really really hard!! ehhh.. ohhh welll. I'm takin them baby steps. Like, today, my mommy had me take the Career pipeline.. which is this test we had to take in high school that was super gay then.. but today helped me alot! It told me alot of stuff about stuff and life.. but it ALSO told me that maybe I could be a writer!! and get a major in journalism!! or creative writing!! haha.. I like to talk in writing.. apparently.. because this first post is already super long. Anyways..I have a very smart mommy. And, apparently, I have a very smart God too. :) A very very very smart one!! I prayed alot about my career and passion and how God wanted me to use them on Friday. On Friday, I didn't know what career I wanted, and I didn't know I was passionate about anything. BUT THEN, GOD ANSWERED MY PRAYER THROUGH my mommy.. and now I think I know what I want to be! Yay Jesus!! :)
Today I learned BUNCHES of crazy stuff. I went home for the weekend, and I loved it. I also took my grandparents home with me.. and they told me alot of stuff about our family that I didn't know. Sometimes I think my family is pretty much normal.. but wellll, I dunno! I have this uncle, Gary, who used to be married to my aunt and is my cousin's dad. When we were about 3 or 4, he killed himself. I don't remember much about it.. except my parents told me he committed suicide and that he had himself cremated, and my four year old self had never heard of that before... so I thought that was super weird at the funeral. Anyways, my cousin was an only child, and I always kinda was annoyed by her.. she was fairly self-centered.. and pretty stinkin' bossy. Her mom, my aunt, was kind of that way too, or at least she seemed that way to me. BUT.. I never realized how hard my aunt's life was. My papa told me tonight that her life was basically Psalm 109.
do not remain silent,
2 for people who are wicked and deceitful
have opened their mouths against me;
they have spoken against me with lying tongues.
3 With words of hatred they surround me;
they attack me without cause.
4 In return for my friendship they accuse me,
but I am a man of prayer.
5 They repay me evil for good,
and hatred for my friendship.
6 Appoint someone evil to oppose my enemy;
let an accuser stand at his right hand.
7 When he is tried, let him be found guilty,
and may his prayers condemn him.
8 May his days be few;
may another take his place of leadership.
9 May his children be fatherless
and his wife a widow.
10 May his children be wandering beggars;
may they be driven[a] from their ruined homes.
11 May a creditor seize all he has;
may strangers plunder the fruits of his labor.
12 May no one extend kindness to him
or take pity on his fatherless children.
13 May his descendants be cut off,
their names blotted out from the next generation.
14 May the iniquity of his fathers be remembered before the LORD;
may the sin of his mother never be blotted out.
15 May their sins always remain before the LORD,
that he may blot out their name from the earth.
16 For he never thought of doing a kindness,
but hounded to death the poor
and the needy and the brokenhearted.
17 He loved to pronounce a curse—
may it come back on him.
He found no pleasure in blessing—
may it be far from him.
18 He wore cursing as his garment;
it entered into his body like water,
into his bones like oil.
19 May it be like a cloak wrapped about him,
like a belt tied forever around him.
20 May this be the LORD’s payment to my accusers,
to those who speak evil of me.
21 But you, Sovereign LORD,
help me for your name’s sake;
out of the goodness of your love, deliver me.
22 For I am poor and needy,
and my heart is wounded within me.
23 I fade away like an evening shadow;
I am shaken off like a locust.
24 My knees give way from fasting;
my body is thin and gaunt.
25 I am an object of scorn to my accusers;
when they see me, they shake their heads.
26 Help me, LORD my God;
save me according to your unfailing love.
27 Let them know that it is your hand,
that you, LORD, have done it.
28 While they curse, may you bless;
may those who attack me be put to shame,
but may your servant rejoice.
29 May my accusers be clothed with disgrace
and wrapped in shame as in a cloak.
30 With my mouth I will greatly extol the LORD;
in the great throng of worshipers I will praise him.
31 For he stands at the right hand of the needy,
to save their lives from those who would condemn them.
That happened to my aunt!! Her husband got her into A TON of debt..was a terrible father.. cheated on her.. shot himself... and left her to deal with the problems. THEN, his mom tried to steal all the money that would help my aunt pay off the debt until the case was so big they had to take it to the Kansas Supreme Court.. and also that "greedy grandma" as my papa calls her :).. wouldn't even pay attention to her four year old granddaughter when she ran up to to her in a public place. I never KNEW that! Seriously.. who was I to judge them?? Ughhh... Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself!!
Right now, I'm kinda tired. I just inspired my roommate and my suitemate to make blogs too.. So we're pretty much blog buddies!! Woohoo!! But, their stuff is always cuter than mine.. and more creative... ah well. I'll be okay. :) But tonight, I'm back on my sweet awesome futon bed with my sweetie and its so so great. And I like life. Alot.
Maybe tomorrow I'll decide how bad of battlefield love really is.. or not. :)
P.S. I wish my bangs would GROW!
CAN'T GOD?? Where is my plan?? What am I supposed to DO???? Please... Sometimes I have this prideful thing that I want to do something great for God, and shoot.. I really do! I just wish I could start now.. do something now.. NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!! haha.. Sometimes its hard to remember that God's timing is perfect. REALLY hard. really really really really hard!! ehhh.. ohhh welll. I'm takin them baby steps. Like, today, my mommy had me take the Career pipeline.. which is this test we had to take in high school that was super gay then.. but today helped me alot! It told me alot of stuff about stuff and life.. but it ALSO told me that maybe I could be a writer!! and get a major in journalism!! or creative writing!! haha.. I like to talk in writing.. apparently.. because this first post is already super long. Anyways..I have a very smart mommy. And, apparently, I have a very smart God too. :) A very very very smart one!! I prayed alot about my career and passion and how God wanted me to use them on Friday. On Friday, I didn't know what career I wanted, and I didn't know I was passionate about anything. BUT THEN, GOD ANSWERED MY PRAYER THROUGH my mommy.. and now I think I know what I want to be! Yay Jesus!! :)
Today I learned BUNCHES of crazy stuff. I went home for the weekend, and I loved it. I also took my grandparents home with me.. and they told me alot of stuff about our family that I didn't know. Sometimes I think my family is pretty much normal.. but wellll, I dunno! I have this uncle, Gary, who used to be married to my aunt and is my cousin's dad. When we were about 3 or 4, he killed himself. I don't remember much about it.. except my parents told me he committed suicide and that he had himself cremated, and my four year old self had never heard of that before... so I thought that was super weird at the funeral. Anyways, my cousin was an only child, and I always kinda was annoyed by her.. she was fairly self-centered.. and pretty stinkin' bossy. Her mom, my aunt, was kind of that way too, or at least she seemed that way to me. BUT.. I never realized how hard my aunt's life was. My papa told me tonight that her life was basically Psalm 109.
Psalm 109
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm. 1 My God, whom I praise,do not remain silent,
2 for people who are wicked and deceitful
have opened their mouths against me;
they have spoken against me with lying tongues.
3 With words of hatred they surround me;
they attack me without cause.
4 In return for my friendship they accuse me,
but I am a man of prayer.
5 They repay me evil for good,
and hatred for my friendship.
6 Appoint someone evil to oppose my enemy;
let an accuser stand at his right hand.
7 When he is tried, let him be found guilty,
and may his prayers condemn him.
8 May his days be few;
may another take his place of leadership.
9 May his children be fatherless
and his wife a widow.
10 May his children be wandering beggars;
may they be driven[a] from their ruined homes.
11 May a creditor seize all he has;
may strangers plunder the fruits of his labor.
12 May no one extend kindness to him
or take pity on his fatherless children.
13 May his descendants be cut off,
their names blotted out from the next generation.
14 May the iniquity of his fathers be remembered before the LORD;
may the sin of his mother never be blotted out.
15 May their sins always remain before the LORD,
that he may blot out their name from the earth.
16 For he never thought of doing a kindness,
but hounded to death the poor
and the needy and the brokenhearted.
17 He loved to pronounce a curse—
may it come back on him.
He found no pleasure in blessing—
may it be far from him.
18 He wore cursing as his garment;
it entered into his body like water,
into his bones like oil.
19 May it be like a cloak wrapped about him,
like a belt tied forever around him.
20 May this be the LORD’s payment to my accusers,
to those who speak evil of me.
21 But you, Sovereign LORD,
help me for your name’s sake;
out of the goodness of your love, deliver me.
22 For I am poor and needy,
and my heart is wounded within me.
23 I fade away like an evening shadow;
I am shaken off like a locust.
24 My knees give way from fasting;
my body is thin and gaunt.
25 I am an object of scorn to my accusers;
when they see me, they shake their heads.
26 Help me, LORD my God;
save me according to your unfailing love.
27 Let them know that it is your hand,
that you, LORD, have done it.
28 While they curse, may you bless;
may those who attack me be put to shame,
but may your servant rejoice.
29 May my accusers be clothed with disgrace
and wrapped in shame as in a cloak.
30 With my mouth I will greatly extol the LORD;
in the great throng of worshipers I will praise him.
31 For he stands at the right hand of the needy,
to save their lives from those who would condemn them.
That happened to my aunt!! Her husband got her into A TON of debt..was a terrible father.. cheated on her.. shot himself... and left her to deal with the problems. THEN, his mom tried to steal all the money that would help my aunt pay off the debt until the case was so big they had to take it to the Kansas Supreme Court.. and also that "greedy grandma" as my papa calls her :).. wouldn't even pay attention to her four year old granddaughter when she ran up to to her in a public place. I never KNEW that! Seriously.. who was I to judge them?? Ughhh... Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself!!
Right now, I'm kinda tired. I just inspired my roommate and my suitemate to make blogs too.. So we're pretty much blog buddies!! Woohoo!! But, their stuff is always cuter than mine.. and more creative... ah well. I'll be okay. :) But tonight, I'm back on my sweet awesome futon bed with my sweetie and its so so great. And I like life. Alot.
Maybe tomorrow I'll decide how bad of battlefield love really is.. or not. :)
P.S. I wish my bangs would GROW!
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